BY CHRISTOPHER STAMM
GUEST MOVIE REVIEWER
Barbarian (Now playing in theatres)
This film is rated R – for language, violence, and adult themes
Hi, everyone, sorry I missed you last week. Adulting got in the way of my movie reviewing, but fear not, I am back with a doozy for you.
Barbarian was my pick this week, and I have spent the last day and a half attempting to figure out exactly what I saw and how to review it for you.
My first reaction when exiting the cinema this past Saturday night was “What the Bleep did I just see?”
Here is the set-up: Single girl thinks it’s a super idea to rent an AirBNB in the worst part of Detroit sight unseen because, well, of course. Girl arrives and there is someone else already there who also rented the house. Of course, no hotels anywhere have a room, so she is forced to stay with the stranger.
Fear not, all is well.
Until the next day when our intrepid renter locks herself in the basement and discovers a hidden passage. What is one to do, you say? Well, of course, a single girl with no phone on her and no flashlight decides it’s a super awesome idea to investigate the passage.
I swear, the people in these movies have serious cognitive issue when it comes to reasonable thinking.
Anyway, next we cut to an actor who finds out he is accused of sexual misconduct by his co-star. The actor, of course, is the owner of the house and retreats to Detroit to escape the media and, of course, ends up in the secret passage.
Foolishness ensues, serial killer from the 80’s comes to light, creepy inbred people show up, and it just goes downhill from there.
I do not recommend this one, folks. Barbarian got two out of five stars because there were some pretty creepy moments, but I cannot get past the fact that people in these movies are always just so freaking stupid.
I mean, seriously, if I find a creepy hidden passage with what she sees in there, Dude, I would be out of there like Shaggy and Scooby chasing a Scooby snack! And who rents a place sight unseen in literally the worst area of Detroit? Have you been to Detroit lately? I have, and let me tell you, in some areas of that once-proud city, they are living in Mad Max times.
Take a pass. Maybe, MAYBE, watch it on HBO or whatever channel this ends up on if you are bored and documentaries about underwater basket weaving are not available.